Elusive Breath

Seeking work and excellence in the arts requires focused training for our bodies to perform to the highest calibration and to highly technical demands. And yet, sometimes, even after all the training, all the preparation, it might feel like our body betrays, by losing our connection to something so basic as breathing.

It's so disappointing to be human, with inner parts of one’s personality not on board with the passions that lie close to our hearts. With parts that might especially get afraid because our artistic desires are so very near and dear to who we are as a person.

It’s so dang hard to be human!

[I guess I have the inconsistency of being human on the brain, as I wrote my last post about Embracing Inconsistency.]

This is what happens for me in those times that I've spiraled out of control under the pressure: adrenaline increases. My muscles tense in response, as I try to control the shaky feelings. As my adrenaline increases, so does the shallowness of my breathing.

Then my mind starts in on trying to fix it. “Take deep breaths. Take deep breaths. Focus on your breathing. Fix your breathing!” My head is barking orders to my lungs. My lungs are impervious to logical input. It’s like I’ve stuck a bellows in my lungs and I’m manually forcing the air in and out.

The physical discomfort takes me farther and farther from the focus of my music or collaboration.

And then parts of me are mad or frustrated, because whose body is this?!? Where did my arms and fingers go? What about my dreams and desires? Which furthers the cycle of more parts triggering each other, and moving farther from my best performing self.

Does this kind of pattern sound at all familiar to you?

If so, I have two suggestions.

First, oodles and oodles of compassion. This is so hard, and so frustrating, to be so very human in this way. To have goals, desires, longings, and our very primal needs for safety are getting in the way! Such an inner conflict. I've lived many years wanting to banish those pesky parts that are fearful. But what if, instead, we can have compassion for those fearful parts?

Can you find any amount of authentic compassion for yourself? One possible way to do this, is to see this normal body reaction as a part of you, and treat it like you might treat a fearful child. Fearful children do not get less fearful by yelling at them and blaming them. They get less fearful by treating them with love and support and safety, and setting up the right circumstances for success.

You do not need to quit performing just because one part of you gets scared! But if you can find out how those parts might like more support and what can make them feel safer, then maybe you can meet those needs.

For example, maybe you bring your own pianist to the auditions that you most care about. Or schedule a rehearsal with the hired audition pianist. Or maybe you’d like to create a sacred ritual before you walk on stage that is calming to your nervous system.

What creative ways might you find more safety for your scared parts?

Secondly, try looking inward to see what happens at the time that you lose your breath. As much as you can slow down your process and notice what triggers what, the more awareness you bring to your unique system, and the more specific you can get with your preparation.

Some possible questions that you might explore: When do you notice you get off track? What happens for you when you’re off track? Was there something that precipitated getting stuck? What came just before the stuck breathing, or the rush of adrenaline, or whatever it is that you notice in your body? What are the thoughts, words, or sentences that go through your brain? How does adrenaline affect your body? What feelings do you notice and where do you feel them?

In my most recent IFS training, I did some cool work with adrenaline as a part of me. I was able to create some space and separation between me and the adrenaline parts.

Adrenaline is triggered by the unconscious, I can’t control it. And yet, when separating from it – IT no longer controlled me. I had adrenaline coursing through my body, lit up and shaky, but there was a deeper sense of control. I could connect to the adrenaline and learn from it and hear it’s story, but it wasn’t in charge. AND I could deeply breathe.

Since breathing is both voluntary and involuntary, taking a multifaceted approach will help you find your best way to dealing with this issue. There are many resources out there for approaching the physical aspects of breathing, including good voice teachers, Alexander and Feldenkreis teachers, yoga classes, etc. Investing in good knowledge and good practice with your body is a very useful way to get to better breathing when under pressure.  

Sending you all my compassion for the times when your body doesn’t perform the way in which you hold the vision for your best performing self!
Love, 
Marta

Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles, Oh My!

How Parts language can help you and your emotions

Practicing - challenge...sacred calling...eternal frustration...flow

I love the synchronicity of emotional themes that circle in my life, or crop up for me and my sister at the same time, or that show up for multiple clients in a season. (Let's be honest - sometimes I hate the emotional themes in my life, because it means I'm growing and stretching and that's usually painful.)

The theme of practicing has emerged this summer. In a recent class, one participant mentioned the word PRACTICE, and the energy shift in the room was palpable. People leaned forward, wanting to share their strategies, their stories, their victories, their battles with self-sabotage, their ways of coping.
Because, as artists, learning to practice our craft is essential, fraught with trial, and abounding with internal and external judgment.

The practice room, our writing desk, the painting studio – wherever you do your creative work can feel like a battleground. 

Let’s take a look at some of the common Parts of a person that might get triggered around practicing:

The Shoulds
“I should be practicing” (said while eating, while watching TV, while taking a nap…)
“I should do it better”
“I should already be better” – this was my most common refrain. Always should be better, always behind.
”I should have practiced yesterday, and the day before, etc.”
This Part clearly has a goal of doing things better, of seeing a vision that is possible, but not yet attained. Thank you for the vision! But often that vision isn’t enough of a motivation, and there is an edge of judgment or Not-Good-Enough involved, creating an unpleasant feeling and resistance.
That resistance might show up as:
Avoidance
See above – eating, watching TV, cleaning the house, answering every last email, taking a nap. This Part will do anything and everything to avoid the job at hand, the thing we care about, working on our craft. Because working at our art is hard, and vulnerable, and we risk public failure, or public success, or public scrutiny. Or being ignored, laughed at, feeling invisible, not being taken seriously. Let’s be real – eating frozen waffles while watching The Great British Baking Show is a lot more fun in the moment. Can you see how the Avoider Part has an intention of avoiding potentially hard feelings of vulnerability, failure, success, fatigue?

Analyzer/Problem Solver
This Part of us is so essential to moving forward, growing, improving. We need the part of us that analyzes and judges and fixes and creates solutions. Having a strong Problem Solver-Analyzer part can save us money, help us trust our own instincts, and just be damn smart and strong. But when that Part of us gets out of balance it leads to more judgment, blame, shame, and just general unpleasantness around the work we love.
This out of balance part is sometimes called:
Inner Critic
Often showing up as a mean, hateful, abusive Part of us, with all nastiness directed inward. The Inner Critic throws our ability to truly assess out of balance. Any little mistake becomes a red flag, red alert, danger zone, terrible, disaster. t the same time, the Inner Critic still has an intention of helping - helping us grow, do better, be better, try harder, etc.

Perfectionism
This is a different flavor of inner criticism, masquerading as a useful and attainable goal. But perfection is not attainable, and striving to reach perfection will always leave us disappointed and frustrated. I'm experiencing this kind of part right now, as I write this newsletter. "Let me review one more time. Let me see if it's sitting right with my gut. Let me adjust one little word here and there. What about the title? What about posting on facebook?".....which is all a great way to avoid actually hitting send. Avoiding making my efforts public. Avoiding judgment. 

On the positive side of practicing we get into Flow. We engage the Problem Solver in balance, with curiosity and spaciousness and enjoyment. We have Compassion for our self as we work through the normal Creative process. We have Persistence and Grit. We continue to strive for excellence, and maintain connection to our core values of being an artist.

Identifying and engaging the Parts that derail our process, such as the Critic, the Avoider, the Shoulds, is the first step to returning to balance and finding more of the fun and ease in the practice room and creative process. Because fun, creativity, and productivity are all very possible! Not fighting these Parts of us, but instead looking at them with space and compassion is the ironic, annoying, and sustainable way to creating room for our creative spirit.

Here's a video with more info about dealing with the Inner Critic.

Cheers to practicing your craft!
xoxo
Marta

Coming a-PART in a positive way

If you've worked with me in the last 6 months, you surely noticed my new love affair of talking about PARTS. 
"Part of me is delighted to be performing, but other parts are tired and overwhelmed."
"Part of me wants to eat all the chocolate chip cookies....and another part wants to take a nap....and another part thinks I should go for a run and eat carrots."
"Part of me is distracted today by all the other things I need to get done."

So what's the deal with the parts language? I remember when I first started seeing my therapist I said to her, "I'm open to trying IFS (Internal Family Systems), but do we have to talk about Parts all the time?" Even the instructor of my recent Level 1 IFS training would often say that when she was first introduced to the model, she would say, "yeah, yeah, yeah, it all sounds good, but do we really have to talk about parts?" 

It's pretty normal to have some concerns about this way of talking. Here are some reasons I think it's worth trying.

1. It's calming to our system to simply identify all of the activated Parts. To find the part who has anxiety, or who is mad, or skeptical - just that knowledge alone sometimes brings a shift and creates more openness and curiosity.

2. Parts language helps create healthy compartmentalization. You can even make a deal with your parts, to promise to spend time with activated parts at a convenient time, so you can focus, perform, create, write, etc when you need to. The key is that you must follow through or your parts will learn to distrust this deal.

3. It gives us one step of space between US as a person and the emotion, thought, or physical sensation. The Part is not all of me. I am more than this thought, feeling, sensation, or action. Even our more extreme feelings are parts - parts that contribute to self sabotage, writer's block, stage fright, etc. And beyond the creative world, extreme parts show up in eating disorders, sexually acting out, cutting, drinking, drugs, you name it. Even these challenging feelings and actions, they do not encompass the entirety of our being. 

4. Our parts always have a positive intention. It may not be immediately obvious, but it's there. Self sabotage is a way to protect from external rejection. Performance anxiety is a strong message that tender parts need more care. Eating disorders are a way to control life. Finding the positive intention gives space for self compassion, which builds on itself to extend compassion to all people. It makes dealing with humans that much easier. 

4. We all have Parts. No one is immune. It's a great human equalizer. Some of us have parts that are more extreme, but Parts are always acting from a positive intention, even if the action is deplorable. It's easier to bring more compassion to our self, and to others, when we know we or they are acting from parts. 

5. We can witness and truly unburden parts that are carrying old wounds and traumas. This is life changing, people. Rather than shoving, pushing, pulling, twisting, contorting so that those old wounds don't come out in weird ways, or they do come out and affect those around you, IFS offers a way to truly heal. This is done by...
6. ....treating parts like people. You are a person, and your parts are part of you. Not that you have to think or believe you have a multitude of people living in and around your body. But using our natural interpersonal skills, we listen to the parts and the stories they carry. 

7. So much nuance and clarity comes with Parts language, because the inner complexity of our being is more fully seen, understood, verbalized, witnessed.

8. Parts can be seen as members of the orchestra, and SELF is the conductor.SELF is that core essence of who you are, that energy of you that is naturally full of Confidence, Courage, Compassion, Curiosity, Creativity, Calm, Connection, Clarity, and Choice. It is relieving and calming to know that no Part is in charge. SELF becomes the natural leader of all the parts and our system. 

I'm truly curious, how does the Parts language strike you? I'd really love to know. Now that I am thoroughly at ease with this language shift, it would be super helpful to get a fresh perspective again from people who are just being acquainted with this way of working. Leave a comment on the blog, or drop me a note. 

When advice causes inner conflict

If you're anything like me, when confronted with conflicting advice I feel little flutters of panic and agitation. It heightens the sense of pressure around the choice, like there is no way to win. Someone is going to be upset. Or disappointed. Or I will be wrong one way or the other. 

Do you feel this way? I always wonder if it's just me that feels these things....

At any rate, you maybe have received this advice about conflicting advice - You must figure out what is best for you, because you're the one performing or creating. 

Ahhh, even more pressure! Why can't I just follow what the experts say? Now I have to figure out what I think is right for me! 

That is the most annoying thing. You are looking to experts, paying experts, to tell you the right way. Making it in the art and performing world is tough enough. You want answers, you want help, you want clarity and direction.

And then you get more confusion. Or even more turmoil and anxiety. 

You probably know that ultimately it is best to figure out what choices feel right to you, even if they break rules or go against the advice of trusted mentors. But why can this feel so hard?

If you related to the feelings of panic and agitation at the prospect of conflicting advice, let me suggest it is amplifying internal conflict. Right? Maybe you already knew this. Probably you did. However, it's taken me forever to learn this lesson.

Internal conflict can show up as a sense of uncertainty, of not knowing, and feeling not okay with that state. It can also show up as voices arguing in your head. This argument repeats and repeats, as if neither side hears the other. Or inability to commit to a decision, a choice. Feeling wishy-washy and confused.

I always come back to the question of WHY does external advice leave me feeling agitated or uncertain? Why don't I know my own answers? What can help me to know more of myself in this process?

Here's what I do when I feel agitated by external advice. 

1. Notice the feeling. 
   "Agitated. Upset. Panic that I'm going to be wrong." Whatever it is you feel, notice it. 
2. Where do you feel this in your body? 
   How do you know you're feeling that way? Is there a voice talking to you in your head? A sensation in your stomach? A general unease?
3. What does this voice/feeling/sensation want you to know?
   Hear it with as much space and understanding as possible. "Ahh, I feel the turmoil in my belly! Got it, it is really strong. Yep, I hear you are upset and worried that you'll do it wrong."
4. Can you identify more than one voice, part, or desire?
   What is the internal conflict about? What are the arguments, the internal disputes really about? I mean, the dispute over where to breath in your music isn't really about that. It might be worrying that the conductor will hate your choice, but you just need that breath. Or it might be feeling that breathing more somehow makes you feel not good enough. Whatever it is, can you get under the surface reason and find a deeper reason?
5. Somewhere in there, you do know the answer. 
   I mean, I'm not saying you are an expert at everything. I'm not saying if you just trusted yourself more you could do surgery. I'm saying, when facing artistic and musical choices, you do have an opinion that you can rely upon. Sometimes in fact, you do need more training and knowledge. But you can at the same time, hone your internal instincts and self-trust, while working on gaining the needed knowledge and tools.
6. Be patient.
   It can take time, but with following this process, you can find the trust and solid knowledge of what is right for you. This is so helpful in being a courageous artist. Think of the artists you love the most. Many of them break rules, push boundaries, make bold choices. What leads them to do so? Inner trust and belief in their artistic choices.

Where does internal conflict show up for you? What are the layers underneath that conflict? As always, I'd love to hear from you. Or leave a note on the blog. 

Cheers to making bold choices and trusting your Inner Artist!