Overcoming Performance Anxiety: My Story

Panic.

Sweaty hands. Elevated heart rate. Shallow breaths.

Drop in the pit of my stomach, like tipping over the apex of a roller coaster.

Terror that I am incapable and everyone will soon witness it.

Head spinning about all the possible things that could and can and will go wrong.

And it will all end in public humiliation.

Several years ago I experienced several months of escalating and spiraling performance anxiety. In my previous years of training and performing as a pianist and collaborator I never really suffered from nerves, not like this. Of course, I got nervous, but the nerves never overwhelmed me. I always knew I would come out the other side. Oh, I had some bad performances and auditions, but it wasn’t like this new level of nerves.

What led to these escalating nerves was taking a class with my doctor on Mind-Body Syndrome. Basically, this syndrome is where people have real physical pain that is directly connected to emotions. I had shoulder pain for years and years, and it was only getting worse. Even though I had been in therapy on and off, and knew intuitively that my shoulder pain was somehow connected to emotions, I was unable to resolve it.

My doctor (John Stracks at Northwestern Center for Integrative Medicine) happens to be a specialist in this area and offers regular classes on the topic (let me know if you’d like his contact info, his class is marvelous, he is marvelous, and I found it life-changing). In his class, I quickly realized that I had a whole lotta emotions hiding underneath my ‘armor’ of tight and painful shoulders.

Once this became clear to me, I embarked upon a mission to heal my shoulder pain by feeling everything! Let it all out and I’ll overcome this shoulder pain and life will be great!

I was dismayed to find that the underlying anxiety was more than I could handle, and only seemed to increase exponentially as time passed.

I had two subbing performances during these months that involved some pretty technically challenging music. I became alarmed at how strong my nerves were in the first sub situation. The second nearly did me in and I became afraid that performance anxiety was my new normal. I went home after this second episode, and told my husband that I was going to quit being a musician. I started contemplating what else I could do in life, but getting paid to eat didn’t seem very realistic.

I did not enjoy performing with these new feelings.

Duh. Performance anxiety is the worst. Locked inside of you are all your good feelings for the music, the desire to be in the moment, to move people, to communicate, to be in flow. The good feelings are hidden behind an impenetrable fortress of anxiety. 

I felt stuck – I could go back to my old ways of shutting down emotion, and keep performing, and sorta feel in control, but have major shoulder pain. Or, I could keep digging and unearthing and discover where it would lead me, even though it might ruin performing for me forever.

When I would tell people about this new anxiety I received interesting responses. Some people would listen, with empathy and support, but not really have any answers or suggestions. Or maybe they had the right idea – don’t fight it, the more you resist the stronger it gets. Others would give unhelpful advice – just practice more. Or say things like, “You’ll be fine. You always play well.”

Really, no comments or advice helped the stark terror I would feel when contemplating being onstage. Because people’s comments are just words. And words are related to thinking and performance anxiety is an overwhelming feeling. Thoughts and logic simply cannot compete with the body’s instinct for safety. Or how completely out of control I felt when in performance. Because of this I drastically limited my playing for several months while trying to figure out a course of action.

The subsequent posts in this series are about the three major resources I used to heal my performance anxiety and the takeaway from each one that you can apply to your own performing lives.

1. Beyond Practicing, an online class targeting performance anxiety (from the Bulletproof Musician)
2. Improv classes at IO Chicago
3. Therapy, with Melissa Sandfort, a life coach who specializes in Internal Family Systems.

Stay tuned until next week, for the first tool, from Beyond Practicing.

Come to your senses

Do you remember learning about the five senses in grade school? I do, because my experience was highly disappointing. It was first grade, and we arrived at our desks to find several sensory items – a chocolate chip, a cotton ball, and other things I can’t remember. I remember the chocolate chip very specifically because, when our teacher instructed us to eat it, I was so sad to discover that it was completely bitter. I had never had unsweetened chocolate before, and it definitely left me wanting.
 

In our busyness, our five senses often get left behind. This is not an email to reprimand you, and order you to take time to smell the flowers. What I want to remind you of is the gift these senses can give us if we are experiencing overwhelm, or stress, or rushing, or anything that takes you out of your body, out of the moment.

I was really wanting to write a blog post this week, and struggled with several half-baked ideas. I think I’ve written three blog posts, but nothing felt finished or quite right for this moment. Then, as Loki was fighting sleep tonight, I placed on hand on my belly, to remind me to soften into the moment, to relax my own body in order to help my baby. I’ve no idea if it helped Loki fall asleep or not, but it certainly helped slow my racing mind, and to enjoy the moment, even though bedtime wasn’t going as I had hoped.

I’ve been noticing in my practicing how stopping to take several breaths helps calm my mind and slow me down. Along with the delight of having a nearly-one-year-old, I also have much more limited time. So when I sit down at the piano, I often have the sense of urgency, the strong awareness of how much I hope to accomplish before Loki demands my attention again.

All of this is to say, when you are stressed or overwhelmed or rushing or busy, take a moment to connect with one of your senses and see how that might make an impact on your activity.

Connecting to your senses calms your nervous system, helping you deal with stress. And it plays a role in activating the right hemisphere of your brain. We want this, especially when performing, as the right hemisphere is more aligned with being in the moment. Being in the moment is more likely to bring about Flow, the optimal state of performing, where all of our thoughts and energies are dedicated to the task at hand. No room for past and future thoughts, self-criticism, or distraction.

Here are some suggestions for a quick sensory connection:

• Three breaths noticing the movement of your body as your inhale and exhale.
• Three breaths noticing the sound of your inhale and exhale.
• Close your eyes and notice the sounds around you, let your ears take you to the farthest sound, and then to the closest sound.
• Close your eyes and notice what scent is in the air.
• Give yourself a hug and feel the texture of your shirt. Really, there is lots of research about how hugging yourself is very soothing to the nervous system.
• Feel your feet on the ground, the chair under your bottom, the clothes on your body, the glasses on your face. Notice the feel of your instrument in your hands.
• What do you see around you? Ask yourself, “Am I safe here?”. This may feel silly, but it calms our lizard brain which is always on the lookout for any potential threat.

Pick one of these sensory suggestions, or listen to this 2.5 minute long guided exploration to come to your senses.

I'm trying something new - a video. And it scares me!

Seeking out the right work can provoke fear. You can use this feeling to help you discern if the project is a good fit for you. Is it scary-good because it's something that is near and dear to your heart? Or is it scary-bad, suggesting that it's not the right work for you? I'm taking my own advice and trying out a video newsletter. It's less than 3 minutes long - take a listen and let me know what you think! 

Curiosity and The Shoulds

I live with a lot of shoulds. Maybe you do too. I should practice more. I should have a better website. I should make more money. I should stay in touch with all the people I know, all the time. I should eat healthy food every day, all day. I should exercise more.

All of these have good intentions at the root of them. Eating healthy and exercising make me feel good in my body. Practicing more leads to more satisfying performances. Being connected to people is one of my core values.

But a lot of times the should aspect changes the goodness of the intention and burdens it, and can even change the goodness of the result.

What happens if you connect with what inspires you without the should?

What would it be like to get curious about practicing? Do you want to practice today? How would it feel to sit down for 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, to play with enjoyment and passion?

What happens if you reach out to one friend or colleague, not with the burden of obligation? What if connecting could happen in a curious way?

What if you could choose food with compassion? Even choosing pizza and ice cream with compassion!

Of course, there are many things we are obligated to do in life (did you file your taxes on time?).

However, a lot of time we have a choice in how we approach many of the activities and work tasks.

Choosing a framework of curiosity instead of ‘the shoulds’, compassion instead of berating ourselves, connecting with delight instead of pressure. These will increase the joy in your work and life.

And these mental frameworks also help us live and work in a sustainable fashion, preventing burn-out in a field where rejection, low wages, and anxiety can reign supreme.

So, I’m curious – can you shift your mental framework for any one task today? Can you add in more compassion for yourself over something that is challenging you? What are you curious about today?

Planning ahead for your nerves

A teacher in grad school used to say to us during studio classes “you need to work through your performance emotions in advance of the performance.”

I always wondered, how the heck does one do that? How do you process through and deal with nerves in advance of feeling nervous? It just didn’t make sense to me at the time.

My teachers wasn’t able to explain how to do this either, but now I see the wisdom of her words and here's how I interpret her advice.

Know your triggers
What are the thoughts, concerns, feelings that trigger your nerves? What is it that you fear will happen during the performance?

For me, letting my mind go down the path of “So-and-so-that-I-really-admire will be there, watching and judging” is dangerous. Any variation on this theme is no good – I hope to impress someone; I hope they rehire me; I hope my collaborators like me.

Anything that distracts from the job and the task at hand, including concerns about clothing, an argument that happened that morning, your grocery list. At best it leads to a distracted performance. At worst, it can create space for the nerves to take over.

During your practice sessions, train your brain to stay focused on the music, the notes, the sounds. When distracting thoughts enter, as they are bound to do, identify them, and regroup back to the music.

Practice under pressure
Find a safe place to test the waters. Find out where your weak spots are, technically and mentally. Where do you get distracted? Where in the music do nerves surge? Why?

What happens in your body when under pressure? I get cold, sweaty hands and when I'm really nervous, my legs shake. Experiencing this in advance helps me know that I am capable of performing and ignoring or flowing with the nerves. 

Visualize your day
Visualize the time leading up to the performance. What do you feel that morning? During the day? How will you keep yourself grounded, excited, confident?

How do you feel the hour before your performance? Do you have any rituals that help you prepare?
How do you feel just before walking onstage? Just before you play/sing your first note? What are your priorities, goals, and intentions?

Visualize yourself performing at your best, being grounded, centered, calm, confident. What does that feel like in your body? 

Healthy compartmentalization
Talk to your fears and nerves as if they are a person. What are their concerns? What are they trying to help you with? Spend time getting to know them and be with them in their concerns. Don't argue with the fears, just listen. Being heard and validated, just like for us real humans, goes a long way to calming fears.

Let your fears know, when it’s go time, it is not their job to help you perform. Other more functional and artistic parts of you need to step forward and take the reins.

Make a deal with your fears – during the performance they need to take a break. Then afterwards, at a specified time, you will check in with them. Set a timer for 15 minutes and journal, or think and feel, or talk out loud, to your fears.

I love this tool and use it all the time.

The key here is that you must follow through on this commitment. If you back out on your end of the deal, to be present with your fears after the performance, this tool will not continue to work.

For more reading on this last tool, check out this post from the Bulletproof Musician.

Don't try to tackle all of these ideas at once. Pick one category for your next performance and spend some time asking yourself the questions above. 

How do you plan ahead for your nerves? I'd love to hear what works for you!

Stand your sacred ground

A number of years ago I worked as an apprentice at a summer vocal program. One of my duties was playing for voice lessons every day. One of the teachers was intense and mean, to say the least. She would regularly scream at her students, all kind of profanities, and call them stupid, or fat, or anything else nasty. Sometimes she got really physical with them, yanking on their face or jaw or pushing with all her might on their abdomen.

I had major anxiety anytime I was scheduled to play for her, even though she mostly ignored me. Just being in the room with that kind of intense negative energy made me feel crazy -- shaky, nervous that her mean spotlight would be turned on me, and especially feeling bad for any singer that provoked her wrath. 

Most of us don’t experience this level of intensity (or abuse) in a lesson or coaching. Yet, many feel anxiety regardless of how nice the teacher or coach is.

As I've been writing about lately here and here, fear is normal human behavior – we are hardwired to care what others think about us. It is part of our survival mechanism in our lizard brain to worry about judgment. In a lesson or coaching we expect feedback and criticism. The worry is that this criticism will be about us as a person, or that we will be judged and found lacking, either personally, or professionally. And if this one person thinks we are not good enough, well, they must truly know. At least, that is the way my fears work!

So, fear is normal. We all have similar fears, to varying degrees. We don’t need to push fear away or tell ourselves we are stupid for feeling this way. But we don’t want fear to inhibit us, from scheduling the coaching you need, taking the audition you are interested in, pursuing the work to get to the next level. Making choices based on fear are never satisfying in the long run.

Brené Brown advises:

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.”

Unhook your value as a person from the opinion of the coach/teacher, and from the feedback you receive in the lesson. Regardless of whether you are in school, are making music for fun, or are a professional musician, anxiety will decrease significantly when you do this.

For those that tend to take feedback personally, here are some suggestions, based uponBrené Brown’s advice.

1. Don’t shrink. Bring your whole human self to the coaching. It can feel like an act of courage to bring your whole self, mistakes and all, to a coaching or lesson. Be honest, both with yourself and the coach. It’s totally fine to walk in the door and say, “I’m nervous, and here’s why.” Be honest about where you are at in your study of the music, and make room to accept that fact.You can’t be anywhere but where you are in your process. Every single person must start at the beginning, in learning their craft and in learning a piece of music. Some people learn faster than others (I love this video of pianist Valentina Lisista about how she learns music), but everyone must start at note one.
2. Don’t puff up. There is no need to prove yourself. You don’t have to defend your choices or insist that you know best, or that you already know everything. You don't know everything, and never will. Plus you're paying money to get feedback! Wouldn't it be terribly annoying if you actually know everything the coach is offering? What is the point in hiring this person? Make the choice to discern between the wisdom your coach or teacher offers and what you need to let roll away. Puffing up and proving ourselves comes into play when we feel like we have to agree or disagree with everything that our coach says. You don't. You can listen, melange, ruminate, and then absorb what is useful to you in this moment in time. 
3. Stand your sacred ground. I really believe that being a musician is sacred work. Making music is no small matter, and music has the capacity to touch people’s lives in a way that words or math can’t. Music moves us. It brings healing. It amplifies joy. Karl Paulnack, Director of the Music Division at the Boston Conservatory, says this beautifully in this compelling speech. It is very worth taking the time to read.
4. Your teacher is on an evolving journey as well. When I first started out as a coach, I assumed that what everyone wanted was for me to be as nit-picky as possible. It took me time to learn that this wasn’t always effective, as a person can only learn so much in one hour. I’ve gradually shifted my approach over time, now focusing on ‘what is the priority today? What will be most effective in achieving that priority today?’ I’m sure my philosophy and approach will continue to evolve. So will every coach and teacher you work with. Your teacher is not a finished product, just as you are not your finished product either.

By the way, this advice of Standing your Sacred Ground can be applied to anything in life that makes you nervous, ahem, like performing. Or a breakup. Or a job interview. Or auditions.

Thanks for reading!